Posted in fitness, food, goals, Weight Watchers

Food and Me… and Food

I grew up in a house where food wasn’t wasted. You ate what was on your plate. Mom or Dad made the meals because the kids put too much peanut butter and jelly on the sandwich, or too much salt on the potatoes, or didn’t pay attention and burned the rice. Food was expensive, and not something to waste.

As an adult, food was – and is – something of a security blanket. I went through quite a few really lean years, and I became a food stasher. You know – that person who buys cans of stuff on sale, bags of rice, packages of oatmeal, and stashes them in the cabinets with the intent to eat them. Only a stasher will eat a few of the things and save the rest, because what happens if something happens and there’s no money for food when I need it? So instead, I would go grab something at a take-away place, or “treat myself” at a sit-down restaurant, because doing that made me feel secure, too. After all, if I have the money to eat out, then I must be doing okay, right? And by eating out, I’m saving the food I have stashed at home for when I really need it! Of course, then there are the office goodies. I wouldn’t pass them up – and would tour around for seconds most of the time, too – with that same type of thought in my head: if I eat here, then I won’t need to buy lunch (which I would usually do, anyway), and that will save money so I can go out another time so that will save the stash of food I have at home for when I might really need it. And yes, I would take home leftovers if offered.

A little confusing, right? Hey, I am still shaking my head in disbelief, too, even while I still have those urges.

Food became a weapon, too, after enough relationships had gone sour. I ate because it quieted my angst over being dumped or stood up or cheated on. I ate myself from being a cute, little thing at 120 pounds to hiding away in my “man armor” at 185. Yes, I even called the extra weight “man armor”, because it kept men away from me who would have otherwise broken my already taped-up heart.

By the time I hit 190, food was also a punishment. I couldn’t fit into clothes I wore last year? Fine! I would order a large Papa John’s pizza – with seven or eight garlic dip packs, of course – and by God I would have to eat it all. I would make myself eat it all, because what the hell? I can’t fit into anything, so who cares if I get fatter? I did something stupid? Fine! Go through the drive-thru and order a double burger and large fries with lots and lots of mayonnaise and a large Diet Coke (because I actually prefer the taste of diet). It won’t matter, because I’m a loser anyway, so why not at least do the one thing I know how to do, and that’s treat myself to food!

My last weigh-in was at 236.6 about a month ago. I’ve been sliding between just under 240 and down around 216 for three years now. When I first began Weight Watchers in October of 2012, I weighed in at 226.2. I just knew that by that next summer, I’d be out in the swimming pool, not afraid to show myself to the world!

Yeah, that totally didn’t happen. I couldn’t even lose the first 20 pounds, or even the first 5%. At least I got the ribbon one time for losing my first 10 pounds…

At any rate, I should be weighing in tomorrow morning. I don’t expect a large loss, even though it’s been a month. Hecks, I’ll be happy if there is any loss at all! And I will simply take it from there. I’ll go day by day, week by week, and try to lose this excess weight once again. Because I know I can do it – I just have to do it.

 

 

 

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Author:

Syd is a Midwestern girl who doesn’t think the term “girl” is sexist in the least – especially after she left her 20s. She holds a huge love for history (from WWI through the end of WWII, Victorian, Regency, and Elizabethan eras), some science fiction, and likes to pass the time reading, working with photography and needlework, and writing things. Lots of things. Syd likes to dance, too, but she looks like an utter goob doing so!

3 thoughts on “Food and Me… and Food

  1. I think most of us on weight watchers spend too much time focusing on the numbers when we should be focusing on the overall trends. A week with very little loss is discouraging, and a week with even the smallest gain is like a punch in the gut. Instead we should be focusing on the trend over a longer period of time. Sure I’m only down 0.2 pounds this week, but that’s at least some loss for a few straight weeks, or sure I’m up a little today but I’m still down from where I was 2-3 weeks ago. That’s a much better way of looking at things and it’s so much easier to stay positive.

    In other words, don’t sweat the weigh ins. If you’re sticking to the plan the numbers will be there eventually.

    Of course, when I check in this weekend and find that I didn’t lose 10 pounds over the last week I am going to be crushed.

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  2. I could completely relate to the food stash thing. It made perfect sense when you were talking about eating here, to save food there. Interestingly enough, I throw away probably more food than I eat, because I feel more secure and happy having it, than actually enjoying it. Food = comfort because for me, food was a control issue at home growing up, and like you I had some VERY lean times.

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