I have been lying awake in bed the past couple hours with thoughts running pell-mell through my mind.
Outside, rain has been plipping and plopping against the windows and on the pavement – rain that was predicted as heavy snowfall. I’m not going to argue about this change of events!
Still, this and the insomnia brought on those Late Night Thoughts. The subject of mine varied a bit tonight, but was mainly about my weight loss and fitness and lack of both these things in the past months. After mulling about binging on stuff I should not have binged on Saturday (with my Logical Brain telling me to just start again this morning, and change my life to how I want it) my thoughts sort of went like this:
- Just eat less of what you’re eating.
- Then you feel lighter and are more active
- But I am stuck in the house for days during this cold!
- Remember a couple years ago when you would bundle up and go for a walk on the path, even though it was cold outside?
- You even bought those cool weather-proof hikers so you wouldn’t fall on the ice.
- Yeah, I remember. That felt good. I want to do that again.
- So why don’t you? If it’s not horribly nasty out there in a few hours, why not bundle up and walk a bit?
- Walk a little today. Then walk a little tomorrow. and walk some more the next day.
- There’s a springtime 5k in March up north, and I know you want to do that.
- I do! I could start walking a bit and then be able to walk that easily by March! Only…
- I’m afraid.
And that’s a big problem, I am realizing, with being fat. I’m afraid of things. In this case, I’m afraid of falling on the ice and breaking something. Of my weight adding to the momentum or the pressure or whatnot, and really causing a bad injury – one that not only can I not afford at all, but one that will keep me from trying to get back into walking all the time and losing this weight. Which of course means that I stay indoors and do nothing all winter long, while wishing I was small enough to go outside and do things. A really silly Catch-22!
I know – it sounds whiny, doesn’t it? Hey – I’m writing this at four in the morning, and the conversation with myself happened around three. Still, sometimes that’s when we can be the most honest with ourselves, isn’t it?
My Logical Brain huffed a little bit, said it understood – but why not try it after the sun comes up, anyway? Just put on jeans and boots and a sweatshirt and a big ole windbreaker or whatever I can fit into in winter-wear, and just go try it. If I don’t feel safe enough from ice on the walking path, just walk on the sidewalks – they usually keep those snow and ice free.
Oh, and eat smaller portions.